You know of the Horse Whisperer, and maybe the Dog Whisperer? Now we’ve got the self-proclaimed boss whisperer—executive coach Dr. Laura Crawshaw. Here are some tips from her book, Taming the Abrasive Manager: How to End Unnecessary Roughness in the Workplace.
Crawshaw starts by identifying the five primary behavioral characteristics of abrasive bosses. How many times have you heard these classic lines from your employees?
1. Overcontrol
"He’s a total micromanager. He treats us like kids instead of adults. I’ve got a babysitter for a boss."
"Don’t ever disagree on anything—if you do, you’re doomed."
"He has the power and he never lets you forget who is king."
2. Threats
"He’s the ‘my way or the highway’ type."
"She says, ‘If you don’t like the way I run things, I’ll be happy to write you a reference.’"
"You’ll do this my way or there will be consequences."
3. Public Humiliation
"She has no qualms about making a person look bad in front of others."
"If you dare question him, he’ll debate you until you’re totally humiliated—crushed."
"He badmouths other people to me; it makes me wonder what he says about me to them."
4. Condescension
"He assumes everyone is stupid and treats us like third graders."
"Her tone conveys ‘I’m bright and right—you’re slow and stupid.’"
"He’s famous for rolling his eyeballs or snorting in contempt."
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5. Overreaction
"He’s incredibly impatient—if you don’t immediately understand what he’s asking for, he’ll come unglued."
He’s easily angered, and it can be directed at anyone. He forgets it an hour later, but the target remembers it forever."
And Crawshaw adds a few more behaviors that didn’t make the top five:
Aggressive Language
"She’ll say, ‘How could you possibly be so stupid as to think that?!’"
Favoritism and Discrimination
"He plays favorites. If you agree with everything he says, you’re in the ‘in crowd.’"
"She goes after the ones she doesn’t like and lets the others get away with murder."
And what’s the real goal of all these behaviors, asks Crawshaw? Intimidation.
How Should You Respond to Abrasive Behavior?
The Boss Whisperer says you have to start by empathizing with your abrasive boss (she points out that empathizing is "feeling with" not "feeling for").
These bosses, she says, are acting out a "Survival Dynamic" of "threat-fear-defense." And what they fear is their own incompetence. Abrasive bosses rely on aggression and domination. They think they can intimidate co-workers into competence.
Why They Don’t See the Harm They Cause
Abrasive bosses generally don’t see the impact of their behavior on co-workers. (They’re both blind and ignorant, Crawshaw says.) Or, they may see some impact, but have no idea of the nature or degree of pain they have inflicted. (These managers are not blind, but they are ignorant.)
Why Doesn’t Anyone Confront Abrasive Managers?
It’s pretty clear why subordinates don’t confront their abrasive bosses, says Crawshaw—they fear retaliation or termination—but what about the managers above those bosses?
They are usually also in fear of what will happen. They’ll say:
"It’ll just make things worse."
"If he leaves, I’ll have two jobs to do."
"She’ll take it out on the employees who complained."
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How to Get Managers to Take Action
To get through to abrasive managers, their managers have to make them see, and then make them care. The first step is for the upper manager to find out what is happening so he or she will have specifics to communicate to the abrasive manager.
It won’t necessarily be easy to find out from subordinates about their abrasive bosses, says Crawshaw. They will be fearful of retaliation. Here’s her advice on how to approach subordinates:
1. Explain that you’ve become aware of the abrasion.
"I’m aware that you’re upset with your boss."
"I heard that something happened yesterday that stirred people up."
2. Explain that you want to get a clear picture of the incident.
"I’m trying to sort out what went on."
3. Explain your intent to help, not harm.
"I’m not interested in blaming—I’m interested in seeing what will help."
4. Seek specific detail.
"Tell me what happened from your perspective."
5. Thank them for the input and refrain from specific promises.
"This has been helpful—thanks."
In tomorrow’s Advisor, we’ll see how the boss whisperer suggests upper managers can coach abrasive managers, and look at a new tool that shouts solutions to HR problems.