Yesterday, attorney Jonathan Segal illuminated the risks in office romances; today, three women and a man discuss sex in the office.
Harassment is a diversity issue, says Segal, who is a partner at the law firm Duane Morris LLP. Our reactions differ because our experiences differ based on whether we are a man or a woman. Segal offered several examples while speaking at a recent SHRM conference:
Three Men and a Woman Discuss Sex
Situation 1: Three men and a woman are sitting at the break room table. The three men are discussing in excruciating detail what they like to do sexually with a woman. Addressing his audience of HR managers, Segal asks, “Women only: Probably, not absolutely, how do you think that woman feels?”
Overwhelmingly, the women in the audience answer, “Uncomfortable.”
Situation 2: Say it’s the reverse, says Segal. Three women and a man are sitting at a table in the break room. The three women are discussing in excruciating detail what they like to do sexually with a man.
Segal asks, “Men only: Probably, not absolutely, how do you think that man feels?” The general answer is “Excited” or “Where’s the table?” In your head, says Segal, you know that both discussions are inappropriate, but in your gut, there can be differences in reaction between men and women.
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Situation 3: Men, asks Segal, don’t you hate it when you are presenting a great idea that you’re very proud of, and the person you’re pitching it to is staring at your breasts instead of your eyes? And, men, when you leave work, and it’s dark, don’t you sometimes have that fear of rape?
The point, says Segal, is that our experiences and reactions to situations are different. And one of the common mistakes men make in trying to determine whether something is inappropriate is to ask themselves, “If the shoe were on the other foot, if a woman were doing this to me, how would I feel?” And, says Segal, if you think, “It wouldn’t bother me at all,” you assume it’s OK.
But that’s not the right question, says Segal. Don’t ask whether it would bother you; think of a woman you respect—your mother, your daughter, a friend—and ask what her reaction would be.
Actually, there’s an easier way, says Segal: “If you have to ask the question, you already have the answer.”
Situation 4: Go back to the break room, says Segal. Say there are just three men having the discussion. OK? There could be same-sex harassment.
What if it’s two men behind closed doors who have signed consent forms? Any problems? They could be overheard.
Say the doors and the room are soundproof? Not sure whether there’s a problem? Let me help you get away from “I’m not sure,” Segal says.
You walk into the conference room, and you see two people having sex. Would you ask, “Is this consensual? Is it welcome?” If it is, would you go ahead and say, “Enjoy yourselves?”
Or, would you say, whether or not this is consensual: “This is inappropriate, unprofessional, and unacceptable.”
Bottom line, you have to train your managers.
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Although you’re probably familiar with basic discriminatory, harassing, and retaliatory conduct, applying the various applicable federal and state laws to real-life scenarios can be tricky. How you deal with these situations can lead to employee complaints, lawsuits, and expensive resolutions.
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The difference in perspectives aren’t limited to sexual harassment issues–they can also apply to matters of race, religion, etc. Society in general seems to suffer from our inability to put ourselves in the shoes of others. Thanks for illustrating that!
The difference in perspectives aren’t limited to sexual harassment issues–they can also apply to matters of race, religion, etc. Society in general seems to suffer from our inability to put ourselves in the shoes of others. Thanks for illustrating that!