Tough Conversations with Your Employees—Word for Word Examples of What to Say

By CED Editor Stephen D. Bruce, PHR

“Managers and supervisors will instantly call the help desk when they have a computer problem,” says Paul Falcone, “but they are reluctant to ask for help when they face a tough conversation with an employee.” 

Unfortunately, the path of least resistance is avoidance, he adds, and that’s not usually the best path.

Falcone, a prolific writer on HR topics and a popular speaker, is VP, Employee Relations at Time Warner Cable in Los Angeles. He is the author of SHRM-best-selling 101 Tough Conversations to Have with Employees: A Manager’s Guide to Performance, Conduct, and Discipline Challenges and 101 Sample Write-Ups for Documenting Employee Performance Problems: A Guide to Progressive Discipline and Termination. 

Falcone offers the basis for his suggestions, a key tenet of adult learning theory:

Allow people to assume responsibility for their actions, and you’ll “pierce their heart” and get them to want to change things for themselves.

Here’s how he recommends dealing with tricky situations:

1. Speaking off the Record

A subordinate approaches his boss, says, “Off the record, nobody better mess with me today,” as he loudly taps a bullet on the desk. The boss thinks maybe this should be reported, but it was revealed “off the record.”

There’s no such thing as “off the record,” says Falcone. When someone says “This is off the record” or “This is confidential,” stop them right there and say:

“If it has to do with discrimination or harassment, potential violence in the workplace, or a perceived conflict of interest with the company then I have an obligation to disclose that to management and can’t keep it confidential.”

2. Stopping Attitude Problems in their Tracks

Rule 1: Tell the person in private how you perceive his or her actions and how it makes you feel.

Rule 2: Avoid the term “attitude” and replace it with “behavior” or “conduct.”

Rule 3: Be specific and “paint a picture with words”

Falcone’s example: “Lisa, I need your help. You know how they say that perception is reality until proven otherwise? Well, I feel like you’re either angry with me or with the rest of the group. “I may be off in my assumption, but that’s an honest assessment of the perception you’re giving off.”

 “I just want you to know that I wouldn’t treat you that way in front of others. I have too much respect for you to do that … Let me ask you, how would you feel if you were the supervisor and one of your staff members responded that way in front of your team?”

“Likewise, how would it make you feel if I responded to your questions with that kind of tone of voice or body language?”

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3. Body Odor

“Roger, I wanted to meet with you one-on-one in my office because I need to share something with you privately, discreetly, and with as much sensitivity as possible.

“You may not realize it, but it appears that you have a body odor problem, and it isn’t merely a personal matter, it’s a workplace disruption issue that I’ll need your help to repair.

“I’ve had conversations like this with employees before, and usually they’re not even aware that the problem exists. I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable, but if you don’t mind my asking, are you aware of the issue, and if so, is that something you could take care of on your end?”

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 “Roger, listen, I’m here to help in any way I can. If you’d like us to set up a fan in your office, or if you’d like to change your schedule so that you could take breaks throughout the day to have time to freshen up, I’d be very supportive of that. Just let me know whatever I could do to help, okay?

“If you wouldn’t mind, though, I’d prefer not to have to address this with you again because it’s a bit uncomfortable for me, so is this something you feel you could fix on a goforward basis?”

What about too much cologne? “That’s the same,” says Falcone, “a workplace disruption issue.”

Falcone notes that in his experience, no one has ever refused to stop wearing cologne and said, “You’ll have to fire me.”

In tomorrow’s Daily, more of Falcone’s practical tips plus an invitation to review an extraordinary 10-minute-at-a-time training program.