Cracking the ‘Tough Nut’: The Four Ts

What do you do about building a relationship with the “tough nut to crack”? The thing to think about, says consultant Robin Schooling, SPHR, is: “What is the need that I’m not meeting?” Schooling’s company is Silver Zebras, LLC.

With difficult, loud people, ask, “Why is he or she so difficult? Maybe my thought is that this person is insecure, so I change my behavior, things change for the better, and the other person takes the credit.”

But there’s the beginning of a relationship.

Four Ts of Crucial Connections

To work on difficult relationships, Schooling recommends the four Ts:

1. Targeted. Start with a targeted request, says Schooling. “I don’t know this, and I want to know it.” It’s a simple request.

2. Tentative. You are connected, and now you want more. You are comfortable e-mailing, and a relationship is starting to build.

3. Transactional. You work well together to get the day-to-day work done

4. Trusted. This is the hardest to achieve but the most beneficial. You are a mentor, a partner. This is the kind of relationship we need, says Schooling.

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How Can We Move Toward Trusted?

Schooling offers several tips for developing relationships.

Attraction. Find what you like about the other person. If the answer is “not much,” find something. How about the person dresses well,  or maybe likes dogs.

Shared interests. Maybe there’s something on which to start to build a relationship.

Work it out. You may have to agree to disagree on issues. Always listen and seek to understand. Work to change the dynamics.

Be proactive. Seek out opportunities to communicate, discuss, and strengthen the relationship.

Ask for input. One client was going to introduce a new psychometric evaluation tool for hiring. It got the managers together and asked about where this would be helpful and how it should be used. Just by virtue of asking, the client got buy-in.

Involve others in decisions. Similarly, a client was going to introduce a new performance appraisal system by simply announcing it. No, says Schooling—involve the managers in the design.

Provide what they need. “Yes, we can,” not “No, we can’t.” Demonstrate value.

Get out. What’s happening in your world? Meet them where they are. For example, says Schooling, visit Sales. “Hey, you guys did $95,000 yesterday. Congrats.” And Sales’ response is going to be “Wow, HR knows that.” Give praise when praise is due.

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