Far too often, people placed in positions of authority are unable to manage, guide, or direct us adequately. In fact, the people in charge often become the biggest obstacle to their employees’ success, say Katherine Crowley and Kathi Elster.
Crowley and Elster, authors of the recently released Working for You Isn’t Working for Me, offer examples of bosses behaving badly. Have you ever had a boss who:
- Sends you mixed messages? ("He said I could take the afternoon off, then screamed when he couldn’t find me.")
- Has constantly changing priorities? ("Last week the priority was sales; this week it’s reorganizing the office.")
- "Gives unwarranted criticism? ("My boss rebuked me for implementing a program that he suggested.")
- Insists on being right?
- Takes credit for others’ work?
- Constantly lies?
- Is incapable of making decisions?
Typically, say the authors, when confronted by such behavior, people resort to one or more of these coping tactics:
1. Obsession. You can’t get it out of your mind, lose sleep, and your energy drains.
2. Avoidance. You avoid contact with the boss. The cost: You come over as uncommitted and uncooperative.
3. Self-doubt. You start to think that you may be the cause of the problem. How could I make so many mistakes?
4. Sulking. You let everyone know that you are not happy.
5. Wishing for the boss’s demise. Toxic thoughts take up mental space and psychic energy.
6. Gloating over the boss’s failure. You are delighted every time the boss appears less than perfect to people both inside and outside the company.
7. Bad-mouthing. You look for opportunities to complain and make disparaging remarks to anyone who will listen.
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8. Confrontation. You approach the boss with "It’s not fair to blame me when you don’t read the e-mails I send you," or "You’re setting me up for failure."
9. Retaliation/acting out. You start taking calculated actions against the boss. You may become a hero to your peers, but you’ll become a troublemaker to your superiors.
10. Shutting out. You avoid communication with the boss.
What these reactions have in common, says Working for You, is that they tend to yield negative results.
The authors offer an alternative to handling boss/employee relationships that they call the “Four D’s":
- Detect
- Detach
- Depersonalize
- Deal
Detect
Working for You describes eight phases that people typically go through when involved in a stressful boss/subordinate relationship:
- Honeymoon—You and your boss are on your best behavior. You ignore any signs of potential conflict.
- Internal alarm—Your boss says or does something that makes you feel uneasy, anxious, or alarmed.
- Restart, try harder—In attempting to get back to that good honeymoon feeling, you start to work harder by putting in extra time and effort to win back the boss’s favor.
- Disappointment—You realize that your boss is not who or what you expected. You start avoiding him or her and complaining to others.
- Rehearsing and rehashing—You obsess about conversations, e-mails, and meetings you’ve had with your boss. Your mind is constantly rehashing the last encounter.
- Anger and blame—You feel angry and resentful toward your boss. You bad-mouth, sulk, or wish for the boss’s demise. You think of ways to retaliate.
- Emotional pain turns physical—You feel physically depleted and emotionally drained. Neck pain, back pain, ulcers, or other physical conditions appear.
- Burnout—You feel trapped with no visible exit. You are exhausted, depressed, and isolated from family and friends.
If you identify with these phases, say the authors, you have accomplished the first step—detection that there’s a problem.
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Detach
Once you recognize the problem, you work to detach; that is, you find ways to separate yourself from the problematic relationship. You refocus and take back your power by taking charge of the things that you do have control over.
Detaching is a two-part process, says Working for You:
- Accept that you are not going to change the boss.
- Take actions to restore your energy, repair your emotional state, and rebuild your confidence.
For example, that might involve:
- Exercising three times a week (to restore energy)
- Returning to a favorite hobby (to feel better emotionally)
- Writing down your successes every day (to rebuild confidence)
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