Give My Regards to Andy

As you know, dear readers, this summer Ford & Harrison has taken on the gargantuan task of helping Sabre sift through the many eager and hopeful candidates for Michael Scott’s replacement. We’ve already discussed Dwight Schrute and Darryl Philbin, from among the internal applicants, and outside candidate Robert California. But there’s one more internal candidate, and I’d like to focus on him today. That’s right, paper fans, I’m talking about Scranton’s own a cappella wunderkind, Mr. Andrew Bernard.

At first, I was worried that Andy was going to shoot himself in the foot (or the eardrum — groan, sorry) because he seemed so set on playing it cool. Andy clearly wanted to be considered for the manager’s job, but didn’t want to come across as wanting it too badly. Unfortunately for Andy, he didn’t get much of a shot at all, since Gabe — who had come completely unhinged after Erin’s rejection — was set on derailing any chance Andy may have had. Gabe twisted Andy’s words, even turning Andy’s insightful suggestion about improving communication within the office against poor Nard-Dog. And when Jo suggested giving Andy a look, mentioning his educational credentials, Gabe immediately dismissed the idea. Personally, I’m hoping that with Gabe now back in Florida, the rest of the search committee will recognize that Andy didn’t get a fair shake in his interview, and give him another chance to show why he should run the branch.

Now, in the unlikely event that Andy does get the job, what kind of a manager would he be? “Musical” is the first adjective that jumps to mind. What would be the over-under on how quickly Andy would drive everyone else in the office bananas by singing over the intercom from the manager’s desk? I’m going with 30 minutes. And while annoying your employees with a cappella probably doesn’t violate any laws, I’m guessing Andy’s tendency to break out into song every few minutes would wear thin and might make for a bit of an office morale problem.

But while low morale due to excessive singing isn’t likely to create legal liability, does that automatically mean Andy is a good candidate for the job? Probably not. And I can think of plenty of potential legal pitfalls with Andy running the office. While Andy has never been one to make cringe-worthy comments about other employees’ races or sexual orientations, he has on occasion displayed a frightening inability to recognize boundaries … like his extremely touchy-feely behavior toward Pam while they were on a sales call during her pregnancy. Kissing your pregnant co-worker’s belly is a big no-no even for a rank-and-file employee. Can you imagine if Andy was manager? Lawsuit time! And let’s not forget Andy’s well-known anger issues. This is a man who once punched a hole in the office wall, after all. While that incident did result in “management training,” as Andy described it, anger management isn’t quite the same as branch management.

So in light of Andy’s unfortunate tendency to stray over boundaries and his documented anger management problems, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that he’s not the right choice to run the Scranton branch. But I still adore Andy… and to prove it, I wrote him a song (to the tune of the Cornell “Alma Mater”)…

Far above the Lackawanna
With its waves of puce,
Sabre seeks a new branch leader
Who may prove to be of some use.

Lift the chorus, speed it onward,
Loud his praises tell!
Hail to thee, our favorite tenor,
The Nard-Dog from Cornell!

Far above the busy humming
Of the Warehouse B-Ball Court,
Nard-Dog preps for his next sales call
Of the musical sort.

Lift the chorus, speed it onward,
Loud his praises tell!
Hail to thee, our favorite tenor,
The Nard-Dog from Cornell!

• 

  Jaclyn West