by Denice R. Hinden, PhD, PCC, President, Managance Consulting & Coaching
When I trained to be a crisis hotline volunteer in the early 1980s, I had no idea I was developing a game changing leadership skill. The first thing we learned was how to listen deeply to callers to make a connection. That meant focusing on the choice of words, the tone of the words, the emotion of the words, and what we didn’t hear in the words.
The next step was giving callers back their words in a way that affirmed what we heard. Only when the caller confirmed we were on the same page—often with a sigh of relief—did we begin the process of discovering possibilities and remedies for the reason they were calling.
Otherwise known as “active listening,” this skill is at the heart of quality conversations. And, hopefully in your line of work you’ve noticed that everything happens through conversation! Recently a CEO shared with me, “In listening more carefully, I heard something I never heard before and that changed the way I need to think about this issue.”
| Join Denice as she delivers a fresh perspective and a clear understanding on how effective communication can help in accomplishing organization goals and objectives. Attend “Communication Secrets of Great Leaders: How to Spark Engaging, Meaningful Dialogue to Achieve Better Business Outcomes,” on Tuesday, November 29, 2016. See below for more information. |
In Conversational Intelligence™, Judith Glaser refers to it as “listening to connect.” It’s listening with a focus on what is important to the person speaking instead of thinking your own thoughts and how you might respond next. Its listening in a way that reframes a crisis into an opportunity and fear into hope. Its listening past “my way” and “your way” to finding what William Ury calls a “third way” that builds on collective ideas and aspirations. Its listening that honors and respects points of view that are different from your own, and leverages that diversity in finding a path forward. I like to think of actively listening to diverse perspectives like standing under a waterfall on a very hot day. Each drop of water is different, but equally refreshing and appreciated.
The main elements of active listening are 1) Be Connected, 2) Be Open, and 3) Be Responsive, (Adapted from www.mindtools.com). When we connect, we give the speaker our undivided attention, acknowledge the message, and recognize that nonverbal communication also “speaks” loudly too.
According to Dr. Albert Mehrabian, author of Silent Messages, 93% of the communication of emotion is nonverbal and 7% is actual words. He suggests that 55% comes through the vocal elements—inflection, tone, etc.—and 38% is from nonverbal elements including facial expression, gestures, posture, etc. Behaviors that support connection are looking at the speaker directly and if you can’t see them, being present with them, putting aside distracting thoughts and activities, not mentally preparing a rebuttal, having an open and inviting posture, and encouraging the speaker to continue with small verbal comments like “yes,” and “uh huh.”
When we are open, we give the speaker room to finish each point before asking questions and we don’t interrupt with counter arguments. We hold back our personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs from distorting what we hear. We build muscles to be comfortable with silent space. The more we learn to appreciate silence, the more room we make for processing what we are hearing and we enable our brains to make connections between ideas.
Behaviors that support openness include thanking the speaker for their perspective and reflecting what has been said by paraphrasing: “What I’m hearing is,” and “Sounds like you are saying” are few options I like. Most importantly, being open means responding with curiosity to learn more. Helpful questions to clarify points you may not fully understand are “What do you mean when you say … ?” or “Say more about that.”
When we are responsive, we are respectful and understanding, treating each person in the conversation in the way that you would want to be treated. Behaviors that support responsiveness include a calm tone, valuing each speaker (even if you disagree), and inviting working together on solutions or next steps. The more we engage in cocreating strategies, the more we deepen the connections that sustains effective communication.
For more information on active listening, or for more tips on quality conversations, join Denice as she presents: “Communication Secrets of Great Leaders: How to Spark Engaging, Meaningful Dialogue to Achieve Better Business Outcomes,” on Tuesday, November 29, 2016. Click here for more information, or to register today!
 Denice Hinden’s mission is igniting joy and well-being into the workplace through intentional positive leadership. Since 2000, as president of Managance Consulting & Coaching, Denice has invigorated the management and performance of staff and Board leaders in more than 100 nonprofit, public, and private organizations with transforming strategic planning, and leveling up leadership with all levels of leaders and teams.
Denice is co-author of The Nonprofit Organizational Culture Guide: Revealing the Hidden Truths that Impact Performance (Jossey-Bass, 2011). She holds an M.S. in Human Services and a PhD in Public Administration. She is a Professional Certified Coach, Energy Leadership Index Master Practitioner, and Conversational Intelligence Enhanced Skills Coach. Denice is also conversational in Spanish and can be reached at drhinden@managance.com. |