I Can’t Believe She Did That! Why Women Betray Other Women at Work

Resources for Humans managing editor Celeste Blackburn reviews the book I Can’t Believe She Did That! Why Women Betray Other Women at Work by Nan Mooney. Review summarizes book’s theory of why women don’t get along in the workplace and suggests how HR can learn a lesson from the book.

For her book I Can’t Believe She Did That!: Why Women Betray Other Women at Work, Mooney interviewed more than 100 women and had “casual discussions” with “countless” more. Her goal was to find out (as the title implies) why women betray other women in the workplace. She begins her study with a look at “Lessons We Learned in Childhood.” Using both psychological studies and first-hand accounts she come to the conclusion that most girls are taught at an early age that they are supposed to be nurturing and sympathetic and that competition and aggression are for the boys.

In addition to that cultural context, Mooney also explores the historical role of women in the workplace. Forty years ago, when women first began to enter the corporate world in significant numbers, she writes that there was more of a reason for women to band together and fight for the feminine cause. As more doors opened and opportunities presented themselves for women in the workplace, that need for a “sisterhood” diminished, and women were left to figure out how to compete (gasp!) for jobs, raises, promotions, and praise.

Now, even though girls are brought up to believe that they can be anything they want to be, they still have to find a way to do that in the social constrains of being feminine. Some women choose to discard their femininity altogether to become one of they boys. The women that Mooney interviewed time and time again told stories of interactions with female bosses who had seemingly broken through the glass ceiling but who had no compassion for — and in fact, where often harsher to — the women underneath them on the corporate ladder. Mooney attributes that to what she calls “The New Tokenism.” She writes:

The rifts developing are not because we are women. They are there because we are tokens. As long as being female feels like a potential career liability, women will be more likely to peg themselves as different or disconnected from other women in their profession or organization. The insecurities wrought by negotiating a male-dominated environment can trigger a strong self-protective impulse, erasing any inclination to share resources or knowledge with our female colleagues.

However, Mooney is quick to point out that women also betray other women in workplaces that aren’t male-dominated. She gives an example of a social outreach facility run completely by women. When two new women were brought in and started making changes, the group that had been with the organization since its inception and had dedicated a large amount of time and energy to the organization bristled at the newcomers’ changes. Even when the new boss brought in outside mediators to help, the original group of women refused to participate in the process and insisted nothing was wrong, all the while making catty complaints and other passive-aggressive manuvers to make the newcomers’ lives difficult. Eventually, the two new women resigned. Mooney postulates that that sort of behavior stems from childhood lessons that conflict means agression and a lady doesn’t engage herself in either.
I Can’t Believe She Did That!: Why Women Betray Other Women at Work is an interesting study into the way women interact in the workplace. It is liberally peppered with womens’ real-life anecdotes that offer great insight into the complicated relationships between women. However, Mooney’s only real-life solution for dealing with the issue is mentoring, which she covers only breifly toward the end of the book. So while the book can help the HR professional understand why women can have a hard time working together, it doesn’t offer much in the way of telling how to deal with the problem.

As G.I. Joe said, “Knowing is half the battle.” But as one of my friends says, “Knowing is the easy half. Doing something about it is much harder!” Still, if you are having issues with women in your office getting along — or if you are a women or want to understand women better — I Can’t Believe She Did That!: Why Women Betray Other Women at Work is worth reading.
I give this book 4 out of 5 stars.

Celeste Blackburn is managing editor of HR Insight (www.HRHero.com/insight) and Diversity Insight (www.HRHeroblogs.com/diversity). She has taught composition at the collegiate level and worked as a journalist.