Yesterday’s Advisor presented psychologist Bruce Christopher’s tips for dealing with the challenging personalities, or “Godzillas,” that you may occasionally face in the workplace. Today, we have three scenarios that illustrate Christopher’s “Surprise Effect” technique for dealing with difficult people.
Scenario #1: The Lipstick Girls
Christopher offers the following story about a school principal who was having trouble with a group of 7th grade girls. They brought bright red lipstick to school and were going into the restroom and kissing the mirror, leaving large red kiss marks. The principal asked them to stop, then ordered them to stop, then threatened them with discipline, but each escalation just resulted in more kisses on the mirrors.
Here’s what ultimately worked, says Christopher.
The principal called the girls into the restroom and said, “I have asked Mr. Smith, the custodian, to come in and demonstrate, because I want you to see how hard it is for him to clean the mirrors. Mr. Smith, proceed.” Mr. Smith calmly picked up his mop, went over to the toilet, dunked the mop in the toilet, and began to clean the mirror with the mop. That was the end of the mirror kissing, Christopher says.
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Scenario 2: The Mother
After working all day long, then cooking and serving dinner, a mother asks dad and the kids to help with cleaning the dishes. They promise to help, but night after night the request goes unheeded. The mother feels angry, frustrated, and resentful. Most of the time, says Christopher, we become angry with people because we can’t get them to do what we want them to do—even if we are right! The mother here may resort to nagging, threats, or punishment, but these strategies tend to create more resistance, says Christopher. The Surprise Effect may be to disengage from trying to change the family, and simply allow them to eat off paper plates and use plastic utensils while the mom continues to eat with the fine china. This is a true story from Dr. Harriet Learner’s book, The Dance of Anger, which actually results in the family getting the message in a fun and creative manner, Christopher says.
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Scenario #3: The Wet Blanket
Christopher relays this story:
You are at work, you notice the company “wet blanket” coming toward you. She corners you and says, “Things are soooo bad around here! The morale stinks! All everyone does is complain, complain, complain!”
Consider saying this, Christopher suggests: “You might be right—why don’t you come up with some ideas and proposals about what we can do about it, and let’s bring them to our supervisor.”
Wet blankets are complainers and pessimists who are used to people trying to talk them out of their misery or cheer them up. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work, says Christopher. Empowering them by moving them toward solution-seeking behavior can help them to do more, while complaining less. However, Christopher adds, most wet blankets will not do the project and would rather complain, yet they are unlikely to wet-blanket you again because you are going to move them toward solutions, and they don’t want to go there!