Got an 800-Pound Gorilla? Confrontation Time

One of the national hotel chains, in an attempt to attract business travelers, advertises that if you stay at its hotels, you’ll be able to take on “the 800-pound gorilla in the room.” The ad shows Regional Manager Amy, after spending a night in one of the hotels, being able to tame the chest-pounding 800-pound gorilla the next day in her meeting.

This is a clever play on an old joke: “Where does an 800-pound gorilla sleep? Anywhere it wants.” That’s because the 800-pound gorilla is the force you can’t stop or fight. It’s too big. It’s too powerful. It’s too aggressive. As a result, the gorilla can do anything it wants.

We all know that 800-pound gorilla at work. The one who says and does whatever he or she wants in a meeting. The ones who believe they are better or more important than everyone else in the room. The ones who throw their weight around—they’re 800 pounds, so why not?

Can’t Be Stopped?

So is it true that the 800-pound gorilla can’t be stopped or even fought? It’s not true for Regional Manager Amy, our heroine in the commercial, and it’s not true for you, either. There are ways to deal with an 800-pound gorilla if you’re brave enough to try.

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Like any bully, sometimes all it takes to tame the 800-pound gorilla is to confront. Gorillas like to throw their weight around, but when someone pushes back, they’re surprised and don’t always know how to respond. Lie down and take the abuse, and the gorilla only becomes more aggressive. Stand up and poke back, and suddenly the gorilla’s on his heels.

If you don’t report to the gorilla, there’s less risk in pushing back—hard. If the gorilla doesn’t control your fate at the company, my suggestion is to respond wherever the gorilla is acting out. Let’s say you’re in a meeting, and our outsized hairy friend is acting inappropriately, engaging in chest-beating and exerting dominance at the expense of someone else in the room. Maybe it’s you, or maybe it’s someone else. It doesn’t matter. This is your chance to stand up and point out that the coworker is acting like an oversized chimp. You don’t think you’ll be a hero to everyone else in the room? Some might actually jump out of their chairs and cheer.

You don’t have to be nasty. You don’t have to stoop to gorilla level. But pointing out the behavior in front of those to whom it’s being exhibited sends a loud message. You see, the gorilla likes to demonstrate its dominance. When someone responds by cowering in the corner or just ignoring the behavior, the actions are reinforced. The gorilla feels powerful and unchecked. But calling it on its actions in front of others sends a loud message.

I’m usually a huge proponent of settling these things behind closed doors, but the gorilla must be tamed in its habitat. In my experience, if you talk privately, you’re met with denials and lack of self-awareness. But if you hit back in front of others, it hurts. The gorilla feels the full brunt of the force he or she has been wielding, which in part is embarrassment and humiliation. Gorillas want others to feel smaller than they are. When you stand up to gorillas in front of the others they are trying to impress or dominate, you reduce the gorilla to the size of a small chimpanzee.

What if the gorilla is your boss or another senior executive? There are still ways to deal. You might need to enlist the help of others. It’s no small task to take down an 800-pound gorilla, so you shouldn’t be afraid to ask for help. You might enlist the help of a peer of the gorilla—someone not in a position to be harmed by the gorilla’s reaction to being called out. Or you get some help from HR.

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Or maybe you go to the gorilla with a warning. You have a talk behind closed doors about the inappropriate behavior you are seeing. You relate how the person’s actions are perceived, and you say that the next time you see this, you will speak out. This does a few things. First, it lets the gorilla know how others see him or her. Second, it gives a warning that such actions won’t go unchecked. And third, it provides you with some cover should you be questioned about your handling of the situation. You can say that you tried to settle this privately but that it was ineffective.

In the end, if someone is acting like an 800-pound gorilla, it’s not going to be a secret. And if you take the gorilla on, it’s hard for any organization not to support you, regardless of the person’s position—unless the position is owner or CEO. And if you’re working for a company where the top executive is throwing his or her weight around at the expense of employees, I suggest you find somewhere else to work.

So, next time you’re in a meeting with the 800-pound gorilla who starts acting like one, let the person know it. Plan it out. Know what you’re going to say. Because I guarantee you will have the element of surprise on your side. The 800-pound gorilla isn’t used to being confronted. Usually when the chest-beating starts, people run and hide. Gorillas don’t know what to do when you stand your ground.